An insider's guide: How golf really happens

By: Jeff Henderson

Posted: 8/27/08

Being in college is a time where newfound freedoms lead students to engage in silly thoughtless activities - activities like drunken burglaries, streaking down Adams Street and being peer pressured into more outrageous actions, like golfing.

You see, we occasional golfers come out every year to try to figure out the big secret to being good at golf. But for us, there is simply no such thing as a good outing of golf. To elaborate, the words "good outing" and "golf" should appear together in as many of our sentences as "good movies" and "Tim Allen."

And I believe I know why. The problem is, not even professional golfers themselves are even good at golf! Here is what I mean.

If you have been finding yourself watching golf on a regular basis and pay close attention to detail, you should notice a couple of things.

First: You need to get out of the house more.

Second: You will notice that after every shot a player makes, the cameras quickly change to the ball flying through the air. You may also notice that in every golfing event there are ALWAYS blimps present. The conspiracy is that once a player hits a shot, a "Professional Ball Dropper" (located in the blimp) is radioed to drop a ball from his blimp and onto the green, as the ball that was initially hit flies 100 feet into the nearest wooded area.

These "Professional Ball Droppers" are most likely paid immense sums of income as compensation for their confidence in the matter. Revealing their official job title at social events is a decision they must conjure for themselves.

But if you are still one that loves the game of golf, I have some common golf knowledge for you to keep in mind.

First of all, there are two things to always try to avoid before taking your shot. They are:

A) Not concentrating on the shot.

B) Concentrating on the shot.

If you can manage doing without either of these, you may have a chance. But what should you bring to the course to be best prepared? Here is a beginner's list…

A) Three extra clubs of each type. (In golf, clubs inexplicably bend in random shapes - shapes such as one's middle thigh, tree stumps, pictures of Tiger Woods, etc.).

B) Approximately 86,000 golf balls.

C) One golf tee (you will not actually be skilled enough to break yours).

D) Four letter words.

E) A friend who owns a blimp.

But if this advice does not produce results, which I know sounds preposterous, you may need to make some minor adjustments. Don't get too down on yourself when you are approaching your 23rd shot in three feet of grasssomewhere near the women's tee. Instead, blame your friend in the blimp who, in this case, must be drinking or is feverishly trying to hit you with the golf balls (or both). In the end, you must remember that there are more productive things to do with your time. Perhaps streaking is more suitable for you than it is to me. Prison is totally underrated.