Why I absolutely hate Kevin Costner

By: Scott Mcgrew

Posted: 7/22/04

I know I should be writing a political column about something that may or may not actually matter, like the race for president, the environment or the war in Iraq, but God damn it, I just hate that Kevin Costner.

I know it's an election year, and I should probably use this outlet for a meaningful message, but I cannot just sit idly by while I know someone, somewhere, is praising him - that hack who has gained half the public's admiration by always playing the hero.

For those Western Courier readers who are unfamiliar with Mr. Costner's work, let me give you a brief rundown of the diverse types of characters he's portrayed. Let's see...he got his start playing the hero with a heart of gold. Then he kept going by playing the hero with the heart of gold, then he started to lose his hair so he started gold-hearted hero who saves the world. Not to mention his niche market of sports movies where he always plays the seasoned vet with the heart of gold. Does anybody see a trend here?

The guy's not even a real actor; he's a producer who throws himself into movies with particularly large budgets. A case in point is the movie that broke the bank: "Water World." He plays a post-apocalyptic half man, half fish who sails the around the world trading dirt for household goods. If you can't make a movie entertaining with a $100 million budget then it's time to retire.

But it's a good thing he didn't or we'd be deprived of such cinematic gems as "For the Love of the Game" and "3000 Miles to Graceland." Equally brilliant was "The Postman," a post-apocalyptic tale about a guy who single-handedly resurrects the United States government by delivering a few letters to toothless, gun-toting mountain people.

My personal favorite is "Dances with Wolves," in which he plays a Civil War Hero who, on one hand, is the most bad-ass soldier in the Union Army, but, on the other, has a heart of gold (!). He learns to live with nature, takes a wolf for a friend and makes peace and lives with the local Native American population.

Then there is the film that got him his Dramatic Actors Association membership card: "Field of Dreams." You know, the one were ghosts tell him to build a baseball diamond in his backyard so he does and the Chicago Black Sox come and play in his yard while he and Darth Vader watch. It's a seemingly eternal mixture of crap and nostalgia that has become permanent programming fixture of TBS affiliates around the country.

I guess we can all learn something from Kevin Costner: Everybody loves the good guy. I think now is as good a time as any for my break into show business. Using the Costner method, I'm going to start working on my own $250 million film where I play a professional golfer postman cowboy sports writer with a heart of gold who cures cancer and AIDS, brings democracy to all of Asia, and uses his precognitive abilities to win the lottery for a bunch of orphaned mentally handicapped burn victims.

Then I'll cast myself in the lead.