Trailer Trash: The Edge reviews movies by only watching the official trailers

By: Cody Boland

Posted: 11/12/08

Movies are long and involved, and in the busy life of the modern student, not everybody has time to analyze an epic, feature-length film. Luckily, The Edge can review all the major, soon-to-be-released movies by simply watching the promotional trailer; after all, if the trailer is not representative of the final product, the audience is being fed a web of lies.

"Quantum of Solace"

James Bond returns for a balls-to-the-wall action film that takes the adventure away from a poker table and across the globe to sandy, dusty locales. His tortured past continues to haunt him as the lines between friend and enemy blur.

In an unsurprising move, a massive syndicate of some kind secretly does bad things to people while Bond wanders around and occasionally falls off heights. The movie is further moved along by a beautiful femme-fatale who provides a wonderful mix of sultry dialogue, gunshots and depressing moments that make a person wonder why Bond is dipping into the emo scene.

"Bolt"

In this digitally animated "comedy event of the holiday season," Disney decides to avoid paying the starving multi-talented voice actors of the world, and instead invests big money in Hollywood hot shots such as John Travolta and Miley Cyrus. "Bolt" tells the story of a TV dog who thinks he's a superhero, and embarks on a heartwarming quest to save the lovable Miley Cy…erm, Penny.

Since everybody loves a comedic sidekick, Disney kicks it up a notch with not one, but two adorable animals dragged along on an adventure whilst uttering child-friendly quips in what is sure to be a box office smash accessible to children, adults with children and all the college students of the world who act like children.

"Transporter 3"

Mindless explosive action comes to the big screen with the third in a series of movies known for their mindless explosive action. This time, Jason Statham is rigged with an explosive bracelet that does not let him more than 75 feet away from his car. He is accompanied by a female, whose main purpose is to look pretty, as he talks in a gravely voice and commits violence.

Naturally, "Transporter 3" exists in an alternate universe where cars can fly through the air, tilt between trucks and perilously land on a moving train. Bomb technology is a bit strange in this universe as well, where right before the critical 76th foot, they glow bright red, presumably to remind everyone of Christmas before they all die.

"Four Christmases"

Speaking of the holiday season, "Four Christmases" attempts a scientific study of what happens when a studio takes an amusing man like Vince Vaughn, and sticks him in a movie devoid of any actual amusement. When a couple tries to avoid their family on Christmas but cannot, they have to interact with each other's relatives, and, in theory, hilarity ensues.

A theory however, is often proven false.

It is a very rare feat that a trailer cannot find one actually funny thing from a movie to amuse an audience with, but "Four Christmases" has managed to do just that. If people actually see this movie, the world as it is currently known might possibly end. The best, most amusing moments from this "comedy" pulled together in a mere two minutes are less amusing than a head cold, and far more agonizing than one.