2008 Woodie Awards
AARP, obnoxious children, and scooters
Jeff Henderson
Issue date: 3/7/08 Section: Opinion
I've been bothered by a letter I recently got in the mail. Before I get into that, just know recent events have made me feel older than I really am. It has made me so irate that even while writing this, my eyes are twitching to a point where I might have developed dyslexia.
I'll start with last summer when I was a lifeguard and teaching a swimming lessons class consisting of kids no older than 11. It was the end of class one day, which meant time to do something fun. I decided to choose their favorite activity: an underwater swimming competition. To decide who would go first, I asked them to guess my age.
One child guessed 45. The next ventured 40. Other children guessed I was 36, 32, 31 and 30.
The ages got smaller as each kid guessed, probably because of blood vessels in my eyes that had burst. And although I've repressed some details, such as these brats' names, the image may never fade.
At the time, I was 20. Twenty years old, and I was thought of as being a possible parent of these savage boogers.
Stuck in such a situation, a guy like me had no choice but to react accordingly. Without hesitation, I immediately jumped out of the pool and asked the single moms of the students how old they thought I was in hopes of similar responses. I then went home and put lotion on my face to cover up several red handprints.
However, those little brats weren't going to be the ones to make me feel old. I accomplished that feat by throwing my back out playing basketball. Because of this - despite weeks of physical therapy - you could compare my physical flexibility to a generic brand toothpick. OK, so that comparison is a little absurd. Somewhere out there a cheap toothpick is furious at being compared to something so inflexible.
Back pain is bad. It has the potential to make you do illogical things like watch "General Hospital" because getting out of bed to find the remote is actually more painful than watching it. However, this rule does not apply for shows such as "The View," during which you would gladly run a marathon naked with discs spitting out of your spine to retrieve the remote rather than put yourself through that degree of torture.
But back to my letter. After bringing my mail inside, I slowly walked up my stairs, leaning heavily on the railing, and went to my room to open it. The letter contained a gift: a membership offer from the AARP.
I don't know exactly what AARP stands for and, frankly, I am too bitter to look it up. I just know it's an elderly organization that sent a junior in college a membership card. I'm 21 and just because my dad has the same name as me doesn't mean I am the same age as he.
What I am going to do with an AARP card? Get one of those "Scooter" cart things to roll up to the bars in?
I need to stop ranting now before this rage gives me permanent dyslexia. Time to take my mind off this. Got a problem with that? Yuo do dno't you? Now my eyes are twitching again. Well, if you do have a problem, go yuck fourself.
I'll start with last summer when I was a lifeguard and teaching a swimming lessons class consisting of kids no older than 11. It was the end of class one day, which meant time to do something fun. I decided to choose their favorite activity: an underwater swimming competition. To decide who would go first, I asked them to guess my age.
One child guessed 45. The next ventured 40. Other children guessed I was 36, 32, 31 and 30.
The ages got smaller as each kid guessed, probably because of blood vessels in my eyes that had burst. And although I've repressed some details, such as these brats' names, the image may never fade.
At the time, I was 20. Twenty years old, and I was thought of as being a possible parent of these savage boogers.
Stuck in such a situation, a guy like me had no choice but to react accordingly. Without hesitation, I immediately jumped out of the pool and asked the single moms of the students how old they thought I was in hopes of similar responses. I then went home and put lotion on my face to cover up several red handprints.
However, those little brats weren't going to be the ones to make me feel old. I accomplished that feat by throwing my back out playing basketball. Because of this - despite weeks of physical therapy - you could compare my physical flexibility to a generic brand toothpick. OK, so that comparison is a little absurd. Somewhere out there a cheap toothpick is furious at being compared to something so inflexible.
Back pain is bad. It has the potential to make you do illogical things like watch "General Hospital" because getting out of bed to find the remote is actually more painful than watching it. However, this rule does not apply for shows such as "The View," during which you would gladly run a marathon naked with discs spitting out of your spine to retrieve the remote rather than put yourself through that degree of torture.
But back to my letter. After bringing my mail inside, I slowly walked up my stairs, leaning heavily on the railing, and went to my room to open it. The letter contained a gift: a membership offer from the AARP.
I don't know exactly what AARP stands for and, frankly, I am too bitter to look it up. I just know it's an elderly organization that sent a junior in college a membership card. I'm 21 and just because my dad has the same name as me doesn't mean I am the same age as he.
What I am going to do with an AARP card? Get one of those "Scooter" cart things to roll up to the bars in?
I need to stop ranting now before this rage gives me permanent dyslexia. Time to take my mind off this. Got a problem with that? Yuo do dno't you? Now my eyes are twitching again. Well, if you do have a problem, go yuck fourself.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
zach odel
posted 3/06/08 @ 7:27 PM CST
wtf is your problem? you seriously care what little kids think of you? you got some problems.
AngelD
posted 3/06/08 @ 11:33 PM CST
I know the feeling...when I taught elementary school, I often had kids guess my age at least 10 years, usually 20 years, older than what I was. At first it made me very self conscious. (Continued…)
Mike Kowols
posted 3/10/08 @ 2:00 PM CST
I wouldn't worry about getting AARP stuff in the mail. I've been getting stuff from retirement centers or whatever they are calling them for about 5 years now (I'm 24). (Continued…)
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