2008 Woodie Awards
How to successfully hit on a lady at the bar
Jeff Henderson
Issue date: 4/11/08 Section: Opinion
It has come to my attention that once in a great while, I am given misinformation, causing confusion to my readers. So, to help clear the air, I have hired an assistant this week to put a note explaining the truth after everything in my column that's questionable. Besides, who has time to check silly little facts for accuracy anyway?
I realize this process might be a bit complicated and hard to take at first, but just as the ladies do, you'll start liking it (classic example of a lie).
Speaking of the ladies, I thought I'd focus this week on helping out eligible bachelors who could use a boost when trying to catch a cute girl. So here is some crucial advice (nope) you to need to keep in mind, which has been a big help to me when finagling for attention (restraining order).
Let's concentrate on the classic bar scene. My first tactic was to casually approach a girl, smile gently and greet her. Just make sure you don't get tongue-tied when doing this. Say something simple. My greeting was: "Hey, it's nice to see you!" ("Hey, it's nice to seed in you!"). For some reason, my simple hello was very much frowned upon. You see, girls these days could care less for things such as being nice or friendly, when what they really crave are approaches more straight up, such as a drink offer, proof that you are on the football team (actually, this is quite true), tickets to the gun show (come on), etc.
Or just let them know you're a famous humor columnist (waste of advertisement space). I'll be honest, this tactic only works about 10 percent of the time, but use it if desperate (Close actually. Just remove the 1).
Not a humor columnist? No problem, just strike up some suave sweet talk about girl stuff, like Dolce and Gabbana, "Sex and the City" or pap smears (!!!). However, if you wish to retain any of your dignity, you can show your manly side and discuss: beer, sports or positions (SPORTS positions) or people like Barry Bonds (used steroids), whom nobody really likes.
Just go easy on the sports. I once played that card by nervously saying, "Hey, Tom Brady can pitch and catch to any receiver with a remarkable perfection" (Mistakenly, the P and F were unpronounced from "perfection"). I thought all women loved Tom Brady, but for some reason she was turned off.
In some infinitesimally minute cases (99.6 percent), these tactics just don't pan out for us guys in our hopes for a love connection. So, figure out what went wrong and tweak your game so your "love lure" will spark the next time out. For example, enunciating is a must to master so you don't mistakenly talk about mating with a girl when you first meet or accidentally give the impression that you have the hots for Tom Brady.
I hope this was of some help. I'd love to be on the scene this weekend for those in dire need, but I have a special date (grandma) that has demanded my accompaniment to the movies (bingo night).
I realize this process might be a bit complicated and hard to take at first, but just as the ladies do, you'll start liking it (classic example of a lie).
Speaking of the ladies, I thought I'd focus this week on helping out eligible bachelors who could use a boost when trying to catch a cute girl. So here is some crucial advice (nope) you to need to keep in mind, which has been a big help to me when finagling for attention (restraining order).
Let's concentrate on the classic bar scene. My first tactic was to casually approach a girl, smile gently and greet her. Just make sure you don't get tongue-tied when doing this. Say something simple. My greeting was: "Hey, it's nice to see you!" ("Hey, it's nice to seed in you!"). For some reason, my simple hello was very much frowned upon. You see, girls these days could care less for things such as being nice or friendly, when what they really crave are approaches more straight up, such as a drink offer, proof that you are on the football team (actually, this is quite true), tickets to the gun show (come on), etc.
Or just let them know you're a famous humor columnist (waste of advertisement space). I'll be honest, this tactic only works about 10 percent of the time, but use it if desperate (Close actually. Just remove the 1).
Not a humor columnist? No problem, just strike up some suave sweet talk about girl stuff, like Dolce and Gabbana, "Sex and the City" or pap smears (!!!). However, if you wish to retain any of your dignity, you can show your manly side and discuss: beer, sports or positions (SPORTS positions) or people like Barry Bonds (used steroids), whom nobody really likes.
Just go easy on the sports. I once played that card by nervously saying, "Hey, Tom Brady can pitch and catch to any receiver with a remarkable perfection" (Mistakenly, the P and F were unpronounced from "perfection"). I thought all women loved Tom Brady, but for some reason she was turned off.
In some infinitesimally minute cases (99.6 percent), these tactics just don't pan out for us guys in our hopes for a love connection. So, figure out what went wrong and tweak your game so your "love lure" will spark the next time out. For example, enunciating is a must to master so you don't mistakenly talk about mating with a girl when you first meet or accidentally give the impression that you have the hots for Tom Brady.
I hope this was of some help. I'd love to be on the scene this weekend for those in dire need, but I have a special date (grandma) that has demanded my accompaniment to the movies (bingo night).
Be the first to comment on this story