2008 Woodie Awards
The ab'dorm'al life
Matt Chiaramonte
Issue date: 4/25/08 Section: Opinion
When incoming freshmen come to orientation in the summer, they get to walk through the residence halls to get a feel for college life. I would like to conduct a similar tour, except during the school year at 3 a.m. on a Saturday.
Welcome to Corbin Hall, please follow me. Watch your step, try not to trip on the drunken girl on the floor - she almost made it to the elevator. As we step into the lobby, notice the beautiful posters made by the staff, torn up and strewn across the floor. Now follow me to the staircase; please do not make eye contact with the man pounding on the vending machine. I realize he is sliding his card backward, but talking to him will only result in incoherent screaming and an eventual arrest.
As we head up the stairs, make sure your shoes are tied tight. The combination of Keystone Light, vomit and urine has formed a paste of some sort and can take your shoes right off.
We have now reached the second floor and your home sweet home for the next two years (or longer, if you just can't pull yourself away from this paradise). Feel free to peek inside any room you wish. In this room, you might notice it is a bit untidy. But if you look past the dirty clothes piled on top of the empty beer cans, pizza boxes, three-week-old Big Mac, blood-soaked combat boot, mold-covered textbooks, half-eaten Lunchable, broken glass and what appears to be a severed head, all topped off with a glowing and presumably radioactive liquid, it is really not too bad.
In the next room, we find two students participating in some noticeably sloppy intercourse. I am confident that when they sober up in the morning, they will deal with her unwanted pregnancy and his newly contracted STD in true Western Illinois University spirit and never see each other again.
I see some of you have noticed the signs explaining the hundreds of dollars of fines this floor has received. Here at Western, we take responsibility for our actions no matter how many times someone shatters a mirror or pees in the washing machine.
Welcome to Corbin Hall, please follow me. Watch your step, try not to trip on the drunken girl on the floor - she almost made it to the elevator. As we step into the lobby, notice the beautiful posters made by the staff, torn up and strewn across the floor. Now follow me to the staircase; please do not make eye contact with the man pounding on the vending machine. I realize he is sliding his card backward, but talking to him will only result in incoherent screaming and an eventual arrest.
As we head up the stairs, make sure your shoes are tied tight. The combination of Keystone Light, vomit and urine has formed a paste of some sort and can take your shoes right off.
We have now reached the second floor and your home sweet home for the next two years (or longer, if you just can't pull yourself away from this paradise). Feel free to peek inside any room you wish. In this room, you might notice it is a bit untidy. But if you look past the dirty clothes piled on top of the empty beer cans, pizza boxes, three-week-old Big Mac, blood-soaked combat boot, mold-covered textbooks, half-eaten Lunchable, broken glass and what appears to be a severed head, all topped off with a glowing and presumably radioactive liquid, it is really not too bad.
In the next room, we find two students participating in some noticeably sloppy intercourse. I am confident that when they sober up in the morning, they will deal with her unwanted pregnancy and his newly contracted STD in true Western Illinois University spirit and never see each other again.
I see some of you have noticed the signs explaining the hundreds of dollars of fines this floor has received. Here at Western, we take responsibility for our actions no matter how many times someone shatters a mirror or pees in the washing machine.
Viewing Comments 1 - 5 of 5
Kris Moore
posted 4/25/08 @ 9:22 AM CST
WOW!! You must have had a horrible experience in your dorm. I am sure that all of those things have happened in dorms, but not all at the same time. (Continued…)
WESTERN_Necks
posted 4/25/08 @ 11:18 AM CST
Geeezzzz, Matt. You are a whiner! If you think all of that is bad, then you will never want to live off-campus. Grow up!
Matt
posted 4/26/08 @ 12:37 PM CST
Geez guys, you should relax. I thought it was funny.
aahhhhh
posted 4/26/08 @ 4:55 PM CST
Sounds about right to me.
AngelD
posted 4/29/08 @ 12:38 AM CST
If these are the kinds of things that are really happening in the dorms, WIU needs to SERIOUSLY review their admitting standards and stop admitting those with the maturity of junior high students. (Continued…)
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