2008 Woodie Awards
George W. Bush - erectile-ly dysfunct
Matt Chiaramonte
Issue date: 5/2/08 Section: Opinion
This is an article about my penis; my dong, my member, my frank and beans. Because of censorship and not to upset too many readers, I will refer to my penis by its nickname for the rest of this article. That nickname is President George.
George first came into power about eight years ago. He rose from the south to become the leader of my world. I was 12 and excited about this new addition to my life. Sadly, after the excitement passed, George would endure years of disappointment.
He is a reckless guy. He constantly tricks me into thinking things are a good idea and leads me into very dangerous places. This always results in nothing but disaster.
Despite it all, George is unconcerned with the messes he makes and has no plan for cleaning them up. These messes have led to the waste of thousands of promising lives. Because of his action, George has a very low approval rating and women have said he does not come close to measuring up to his predecessors. But none of this gets him down. He continues to sit there on his throne, surrounded by his well-groomed shrubbery.
George is pretty set in his ways. He is not a fan of same-sex relations and does not perform well in front of the camera. He tried Colon (Powell) for about four years, but it didn't really work out. I am not sure what to do with him; I asked my dad and he said he had similar problems with his George in the 1990s.
With every action he takes, George becomes more and more unpopular. He refuses to listen to any outside advice and just aims and shoots his semen at anything he pleases. He does this with his wrinkly cohorts always hanging in the background, hidden behind a nest of darkness.
But, George is not all bad. He has accomplished some good and has definitely made my life more interesting. However, sometimes he will do something that just makes me want to wrap my hands around him and "let him have it."
What can be done to stop George's unruly actions? Is there no man or woman who can set him straight? What can be done to stop George from just inserting his forces into any terrain he feels the need to conquer? Perhaps now, in 2008, we could all vote on a replacement for George. I cannot sit idly while George continues to ruin my life. Plus, he is really starting to itch.
George first came into power about eight years ago. He rose from the south to become the leader of my world. I was 12 and excited about this new addition to my life. Sadly, after the excitement passed, George would endure years of disappointment.
He is a reckless guy. He constantly tricks me into thinking things are a good idea and leads me into very dangerous places. This always results in nothing but disaster.
Despite it all, George is unconcerned with the messes he makes and has no plan for cleaning them up. These messes have led to the waste of thousands of promising lives. Because of his action, George has a very low approval rating and women have said he does not come close to measuring up to his predecessors. But none of this gets him down. He continues to sit there on his throne, surrounded by his well-groomed shrubbery.
George is pretty set in his ways. He is not a fan of same-sex relations and does not perform well in front of the camera. He tried Colon (Powell) for about four years, but it didn't really work out. I am not sure what to do with him; I asked my dad and he said he had similar problems with his George in the 1990s.
With every action he takes, George becomes more and more unpopular. He refuses to listen to any outside advice and just aims and shoots his semen at anything he pleases. He does this with his wrinkly cohorts always hanging in the background, hidden behind a nest of darkness.
But, George is not all bad. He has accomplished some good and has definitely made my life more interesting. However, sometimes he will do something that just makes me want to wrap my hands around him and "let him have it."
What can be done to stop George's unruly actions? Is there no man or woman who can set him straight? What can be done to stop George from just inserting his forces into any terrain he feels the need to conquer? Perhaps now, in 2008, we could all vote on a replacement for George. I cannot sit idly while George continues to ruin my life. Plus, he is really starting to itch.
Viewing Comments 1 - 5 of 5
Cindy
posted 5/02/08 @ 5:05 PM CST
Like so many self appointed intellectuals of your ilk you say nothing. You should have just written, blah, blah, blah, blah, same content. So I am curious, you who thinks your empty drivel is so relevent, exactly what is it you have accomplished? What is your great contribution to this world, oh yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I got it. (Continued…)
Zach
posted 5/02/08 @ 7:16 PM CST
I, for one, share his sentiment. So now it's 1 to 1. Because you have a problem with it, it shouldn't be in the newspaper?
It's an intellectual column that cleverly talks about the state of our nation's affairs through a different means. (Continued…)
Agreement
posted 5/02/08 @ 10:13 PM CST
I agree with Cindy there Zach. It is trash. Nothing out of the ordinary for this sorry publication. I read it from time to time hoping it will redeem itself. (Continued…)
AngelD
posted 5/03/08 @ 12:11 AM CST
Actually, in a way, I found this column a bit funny....I admit I had to giggle at a couple points. Obviously people, this is a satire of Pres. Bush being compared to a penis. (Continued…)
Scott Marshall
posted 5/07/08 @ 1:19 PM CST
I would hope that WIU teaches people to be professional, but this seems to be someone they missed.
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